Things that make you go HMMMMMM....

And that's not all!

Shout out to "Flea" for sharing these fascinating items with me!

Shopping

So I'm at Target this afternoon picking up some of the essentials. I get into the worst line (as usual), but at least the cashier was nice enough to tell me that it was going to be a while. So I scoot over to the next aisle. In front of me is an attractive, well dressed man. He was wearing dress pants, button up shirt and a tie. It being Sunday I assumed he had just come from church. So he starts unloading his cart, which consisted of a multitude of cleaning products... Lysol, Febreeze, those Swiffer thingies... and a couple more cleaning items. Then I notice THIS mixed in with all the cleaning products! Although it was actually a 36 count box!!

I caught myself trying to take a look at his junk.... shame on me!! Then the cashier couldn't even look him in the eye!! I had to keep myself from laughing... I think she was a little embarrassed! So anyway... just in case any of you ladies are wondering... apparently there are nice church going men out there who are not only have big noodles... but they like to keep things tidy! Somewhere in Houston some lucky lady is coming home to a clean house and a.... well you know!

Nutcracker Market 2009

So once again I attended the Nutcracker Market hosted by the Houston Ballet. I have to say I was very disappointed by the lack of overly glamorized women this year! Seems that this year the women put away there sequins & stilettos and instead opted for dresses with tights and COWBOY BOOTS! Let me just say I hope that trend doesn't catch on. I was a little confused with the winter attire of everyone considering it was a freezing, nipple popping 70 degrees outside! Regardless... not sure if it's the economy or what but I certainly missed the sequins, rhinestones & glitter! I only came home with a few finds this year... maybe it was because I didn't drink as many cocktails before hand, or possibly it was the fact that I was way more concerned about getting out before we got stuck in the traffic jam of the Disney on Ice audience & the Nutcracker shoppers. But... at least this year everything I bought was for ME (I purposely avoided the monkey store)!

So here's this years finds...

Basket/Bag... Not really sure of it's purpose yet... but I liked it and it was only $9.99!

Glass Basket/Weave Candle Holder

Dip Mix (OK... I'm sure I'll share these with my friends)

And last but not least...

HIDE & SEEK PETE!!

How could I pass up this adorable Christmas ornament??

I also got a surprise bonus of green fucking glitter all over my house!

See... I'm not the only one!!

My friend Becky sent me this link today...

http://consumerist.com/5381994/northern-hopes-you-dont-notice-your-shrinking-toilet-paper

Appears I'm not the only one to notice the Incredible Shrinking Toilet Paper (not that you can really miss it... it's pretty obvious). I actually thought to myself that something seemed odd about it when I picked up the package at the store... but didn't completely notice until I put a roll on the holder. OMG... I just thought of something else! I went to go buy some the week before that but seemed like everywhere I went was out of Northern. So obviously they didn't want anyone doing side by side comparison with the new rolls!

Thanks for your investigative work Becky... I hadn't noticed all the other diminishing stats!

Makes me wonder if other TP companies are doing the same thing. So let me have it Non-Northern users... has your TP gotten smaller too?

WTF Northern?!?!?!

I'm sure there are many people out there that are particular about which brand of toilet paper they use. I am one of those people... and my brand of choice? Northern. In my eyes Northern is the only acceptable toilet paper out there. And being a woman I go through A LOT of toilet paper. So how surprised was I when I found out that Northern whacked off over 1/2 an INCH per roll!!! Something didn't seem right when I put the new roll on the TP holder and it started bouncing all over the place. So I pulled out the cardboard thingie bobber from the previous roll and held it up to the new roll... and there it was right in front of my eyes... an obviously shorter roll. I'm not really sure WTF the are thinking... I NEED that extra 1/2 inch! Can't you figure out some other way to stretch your dollar? For the love of things... bring back the old rolls... I can't stand Charmin!!

Here's the proof (I had a couple of the old rolls in my other bathroom)... see the comparison for yourself!

Halloweenie Bus Tour 2009!

You know you had a great Halloween when...


Brad lost his sword (toy sword that is)...

Kristy lost her camera...

Mark lost his debit card...

Steve lost his credit card...

Gail lost her horns...

Jeff lost his bearings (inside Chances... go figure)...

David lost his hair...

Fallon lost her lunch...

Fallon's Date lost his chance to get lucky when Fallon lost her lunch...

Darlene & I lost our balance (got the bruises to prove it)...

John lost his youth & his drivers license (kinda finding it hard to believe he got carded though)...

Bonnie lost her moves (oh wait... no she didn't)...

Michelle lost her cookies (the day after)...

and Carlos lost his dignity!

And I'm pretty sure we ALL lost some brain cells!


WOW!!
What a night!!

Happy Birthday Mom!

I LOVE YOU!

The Ghosts of Halloweens Past

As you may all recall from last year that my favorite holiday is Halloween! I know I haven't shown too much excitement this year... but only because I've been busy! Fear not... I am just as excited as always and all ready to go for this years festivities. But in the mean time here's some of my costumes from years past! Enjoy!!

The Greek Goddess 2008


Naughty Nuns 2004

Pebbles 2003

Gangsta 2002

Pippi Longstocking 2001

The Kissing Bandit 2000

Greek Goddesses 1999

Shirly Temple 1998

Now let's go totally Old School!!

Tweedle Dee 1991 (I think)

There was a Tweedle Dum too...

not sure why I don't have a picture of both of us.

Ghostbusters 1990 (Again... I think)

Trix tidbit... There's only 2 costumes in that bunch that I actually bought an actual costume for!

So what's everyone dressing as this year??

Drunk Guy!

Pretty sure this beauty has made it's way through all of your email by now... but just in case you have not been lucky enough to receive it... then here you go! This is hilarious! I thought at first maybe he was faking... but I don't think anyone could fake it THAT GOOD!! I give the guy props... if I was that drunk I'd either be passed out... or praying to the Porcelain God!

Chili's...

QUESADILLA EXPLOSION Salad... I just found out why they named it that!

Might I suggest you don't order this on a date. For that matter... hopefully your date doesn't take you to Chili's.

Easily Amused

So I'm sitting at the office today when all the sudden I notice everyone rushing towards the windows. Of course it's just a domino effect when that happens as everyone else wants to know what they are looking at. Next thing you know the entire office has got there hands & faces planted against the window. To look at what? How windy it was. So our VP mentions how easily we are all amused. And I said "yeah like whenever there is a car case on TV... the whole flippin' office stops what there doing and starts watching the chase". It's really pretty sad... you would think our lives were more exciting than that.

Well what do you think happens about 5 minutes after I say that? You got it... some dildo is being chased down by cops after he fills his tank up and then drives off without paying for the gas. So now this guy has been speeding around all over Dallas for the last hour and a half fleeing from the police. You know eventually they'll catch him... and the irony in it all... he's probably not even going to have any gas left in his tank!! Just doesn't pay to be a criminal... does it?

P.S. They must be close to catching the idiot because now the entire office is cheering. Lordie.

Austin City Limits... aka Mudfest 2009!!

Even though we had to tromp through miles of sludge all day Sunday... I have to say that we had a flippin' blast... and I can't wait for ACL 2010! That's all I'm gonna say about that... and not because I was wasted the entire weekend and don't remember anything either! I'm just sayin' what happens in Austin stays in Austin!

My New Boyfriend

He may be wooden... but that just means he's always HARD!!

Ha... I crack myself up sometimes!

Rusty Nutz!

Now these old Truck Nutz made me laugh outloud!!

I wonder where his bolts and washers are!!

Thanks Lu!

My Brush With The Law

Back in my younger, more rebellious days (read dumber) shortly after I moved to Texas I had mildly tarnished my record. I don't think I've done anything that any of you haven't. But somehow I managed to escape the harsh reality of being slapped with a DWI!

Let me take you back to a cold day in December about 13 years ago (OK so it really wasn't that cold... but it sounds more dramatic that way, doesn't it)? At the time I was at the bottom of the food chain at work... but it wasn't without some perks. Being the person that had to book all the hotel rooms for our out of town visitors, they sometimes gave me free rooms at the hotel. Considering I lived in Houston it's not like I really needed to "get away" from my apartment to go stay at a hotel... so I decided to use my freebie for a Pre Office Christmas party gathering. They hooked my up with a suite so that was nice. A bunch of my co-workers came over beforehand and had some cocktails and then we all head over to the actual Christmas Party/Dinner. My plan was for everyone to come back afterwards and party some more. A few people came and left... and then I sat there alone in this gigantic hotel room. It really kinda bummed me out so I decided that I was just going to go home... when all the sudden there was a knock at my door! It was a fellow co-worker and his girlfriend. They had swung by the bar and were ready to keep the party going. Awesome I thought although I didn't know how much fun it would be for the three of us to party it up. So I called another one of my co-workers and convinced him to come back to the hotel. Only problem was that he was wasted and didn't think he should drive. Me with my Super Human Drunk Girl Powers decided that I was fully capable of driving and that I would just go pick him up real quick. Hmmm... not the best decision I've ever made.

So I put on my cape and head out to my truck. My co-worker/friend only lived about 5-10 minutes from the hotel... but unfortunately in my altered state I couldn't find his flippin' street. So I breeze through his neighborhood and ended up at the next major street. This street had 3 lanes on each side with a very wide divider in the middle. Light turns green... I turn left... almost immediately realizing that I turned before the divider instead of after and I am now driving down the wrong side of the street towards oncoming traffic (there wasn't too much considering it was at least 2 in the morning). Luckily there was a break in the divider so I was able to get back to the right side of the street quickly. But that's when I saw it... something no one ever wants to see... sober or not... red flashing lights in my rear view mirror. OH FUCK I thought. So I pull over and an officer comes up to the window. He asks me if I know why I was pulled over and I tell him... yes... I was driving down the wrong side of the street. He takes all my information and then asks me if I have someone that can come pick me up. Again I tell him yes. So then he tells me to drive my truck into the parking lot and get in his car. They tell me they are going to take me in so that I can call someone to pick me up. And that they were going to have to have my trunk impounded. At the time I was very POOR... so of course all that I'm thinking about is not being able to afford to get my truck back. So I beg and pleaded with them to just leave it in the parking lot... but they wouldn't... boo. Anyhow they stick me in the backseat of the patrol car (first time) and take me to the station. Once we get to the station they let me call my friends for a ride... but not for free of course... I also needed them to bring $300 to bail me out of jail. You see instead of giving me a DWI... they decided to give me two tickets.... one of which was for Public Intoxication and the other for driving down the wrong side of the street. So after we took care of all the paper work I mentioned the fact that they didn't even test me for being under the influence. Here's the response I got... "Trust us... You DON'T want us to test you". At the time I was annoyed rather than just being grateful. However since I was just sitting there shooting the shit with them I said how about we try off the record (apparently I was curious since I'd never been pulled over before). So they told me to stand up, put my arms straight out and lift & hold my right leg. So I do that... however I didn't realize you only needed to hold your foot about 2 inches off the ground... so I basically stuck my leg straight out. As you can guess I didn't last very long. The cops are all laughing. So I say that was hard... let's see you do it. That's when I found out I did it wrong... and informed them they could have told me I was doing it wrong.

Eventually they decided they needed to get back to work so they needed to lock me up. Great! Luckily this was a little police station over in West U somewhere so it was clean and I was alone. But I did throw a bit of a fit when they told me I had to take my shoes and jewelry off. Apparently I was irritated by this because I recall throwing a bit of a tantrum and kicking my shoes off. I get in the jail cell and I'm pretty sure I was passed out within about 30 seconds. I'm not sure how long I was in there before my co-worker and his girlfriend got there to pick me up... all I remember is that my co-worker was pretty drunk himself and had spilled beer all down his shirt so his girlfriend is the one that actually ended up bailing me out of jail!

They took me back to the hotel where we gathered all my stuff and then they took me home with them and deposited me on the couch. I'm going to assume that my co-workers girlfriend didn't realize I had a mad crush on her boyfriend... because she was always so nice to me. Either that or she knew I didn't have a shot in hell with him so she didn't care.

I have to say the most humorous part of this whole experience is when I went to court for my tickets... if you could have seen the look on the judges face when he read my offenses out loud. Classic. Of course I plead guilty to the PI and asked to take the drivers class for my driving violation.

I'm happy to say that I haven't gotten pulled over since!

Crack or Something Else?

WHAT IS THIS?

Special prize to the first person that can correctly guess (I just don't know what that prize is yet). Lu, Heather & Jack are EXCLUDED... since you already know!

Wondering...

If I were to have a baby for the sole purpose of having an abundance of blog topics would that mean I would be pimping my baby out? I mean I really would like to have a child (for me... not the blog)... but I've noticed that a lot of mothers/fathers out there write blogs and they are almost always hilarious. There's just a never ending supply of topics!

I however rely on interesting experiences when I go out, stupid things I do, stupid things I see, balls, my cats... all of which have been pretty unimpressive/not humorous lately. WTF is going on here. I don't know maybe I'm just not that great of a writer that I can pull something out of my ass everyday to entertain you all with. Or maybe I'm just lazy (OK... well we know that I'm lazy). I don't have the best memory so memories from my childhood are few and far between (although I do have a couple stored up in my head once I get the time to put finger to keyboard for them). And living alone I don't have anyone else that I can constantly make fun of either.

So anyway... I guess I'm just frustrated! Anyone need a place to live that will highly entertain me and let me write about them on a daily basis??? Or how about a sperm donor??? Either/or... take your pick!

Who says cats don't like water?

Apparently my girl Dixie likes to go wading in the tub when I'm not watching her! Not sure how long she was in there but it was at least long enough for me to go grab my phone, come back, take a picture, go set my phone back down... and then I had to actually pull her out of the tub!

The water was deeper than it looks too... she was almost ass deep in water. Looks as though Dexter was contemplating going for a swim himself!

Flying the Friendly Skies...

Or in my case... the OVERLY Friendly Skies!

I'm pretty sure that I am in the majority when I say I DON'T care to talk to the stranger I'm sitting next to on the plane. I don't really understand why some people think that everyone else wants to divulge their life story... and try to find out yours while you're sitting next to them. I had the unfortunate experience many, many years ago of sitting next to this woman on a flight back from Chicago. It was a late flight as it kept getting delayed... and then delayed even longer once we were on board. I was so tired... all I wanted to do was sleep. But... this woman decided that I would make a good therapist as she began in on her saga of a life. To make a long story short... she was about 35... pregnant... and coming to Houston to see her 21 year old baby daddy! I was literally stuck on the plane with this woman for like 6 hours... and she talked the entire time. There was no way for me to get away from her. By the time we landed in Houston I felt somewhat connected to her... her savior of sorts... which was necessary when baby daddy wasn't at the airport to pick her up... nor could she get ahold of him by phone. So... being the TOO nice person that I am... I sat there with her for another hour (it was about 12:30 AM when we landed) trying to help her get to him. I offered to drive her to his house... but she didn't know his address (WTF)... I let her use my cell phone to try and call him... I then offered to at least drive her to a hotel or a cab. She refused all. In the end she just thanked me and told me to leave and she'd figure it out. I even left her my phone number at that point just in case she had no other alternative. Thank GOD I never heard from her. She was a mess... but thankfully NOT MY mess! Anyway... I'm pretty sure that situation led me to my complete lack of interest in talking to people on planes!

So let's flash forward to what this post is really about...

Apparently I was not thinking when I booked my flights to/from Omaha over Labor Day weekend... because I booked the bulkhead seat that has absolutely no room for carry on baggage. I of course always have carry on baggage so that was not very carefully thought out. Luckily on my flight to Omaha I was able to change that when I checked in. Seat 2B... on the single side... 2nd out the door and plenty of room for my bags. I was not as lucky on the flight back however. When I went to check in it wouldn't let me change my seat... showed all the seats full. So I figured I'd double check when I got to the airport... which I did... and which I was able too. Unfortunately it was on the double side of the express jet and I was going to have to sit next to someone. Ugh. But since I had a couple magazines and my iPod I figured I'd be OK. Not the case.

Once I get on the plane I realize my seat mate is a man (probably not much older than myself)... he seemed harmless... until I walked up. The first thing out of his mouth was... I guess I just won the lottery getting to sit next to this pretty blond. Great... I thought... and I have to sit next to this guy for the next 2 hours. Although... I chalked it up as harmless and the guy trying to be friendly. Of course in the beginning there was that friendly chatter (all initiated by him)... but being one that doesn't like to be rude (unless I'm really drunk and you really piss me off)... I was polite & friendly.

Then it was time to pull out magazine #1... this my friends is one sign that the person next to you does NOT want to talk to you. However... he kept managing to cut off my concentration from People Magazine to ask me a question every few minutes. The subject came up of whether I flew a lot or not. I told him that I flew home at least a few times a year... but not as much as when I was in a long distance relationship. Which I mentioned that I would NEVER do again... but it was nice being Silver Elite for a year. Then a little later he asked if I had replaced Mr. Boston. To which I replied that I had a few options (why the fuck I didn't just say YES is beyond me... idiot)! Then he followed up with a few more random questions before putting his earphones on... I thought... THANK YOU... he's going to leave me alone now! So I pulled out my headphones as well (this is a DEFINITE sign that the person next to you DOES NOT want to talk to you)! Unfortunately this guy is uninformed to the passenger protocol! Because he would take his headphones out about every 10-15 minutes to ask me something else. WTF DUDE! Do you not see that I am not only reading a magazine... but I am also listening to my music?? What other clue do you need to leave someone alone? Eventually I fell asleep... up until they told us to put our seat back and tray tables up. I heard the announcement... and there was no mention of putting our electronic devices away. But... who do you think took it upon himself to wake me up and tell me we were supposed to put them away? That's right... my neighbor... gee thanks (of course it was another 5 minutes before they actually told us to turn them off).

So as we sit there awaiting our descent this guy keeps chatting me up. And I continue to be nice & social. And then... all the sudden... he holds up this crossword puzzle he'd been working on. And in some of the spaces he has written... "Dinner Sometime?" My stomach suddenly sank... oh shit I thought... WTF do I say now?? (I hope you've all figured out by now that I had absolutely no interest in this man... from Ohio). So I just said no. I had to further remind him that I had no interest in getting involved in a long distance relationship. This didn't seem to detour him too much as he kept trying... saying such things as "dinner is harmless"... and "I come through Houston quit a bit"... etc. etc. Geez buddy...how many times do I have to say NO before you realize that I MEAN NO! To make matters worse we got stuck on the tarmac for about 15 minutes. I was so uncomfortable at this point... talk about AWKWARD! My only saving grace was that he had checked his bag at the gate so he had to wait for it. I told him that I hope he had a safe flight and walked the fuck away as fast as I could!!

Lessons learned:
1) If you're not interested in someone you ALWAYS have a boyfriend.
2) It's OK to be rude... it's not like he wasn't being rude himself, right?
3) Never... I mean NEVER wear a low cut sundress while flying alone again!!

Ever had one of those days?

One of those days that anyone & anything aggravates the crap out of you? Even if a person is being perfectly nice & calm... but you just want to ignore them or walk away from them or flat out punch them in the face? For no valid reason other than they are annoying you? Well I'm having one of those days... and I have no flippin' clue why!!! Look... I'm even annoying myself!! Aargh!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DD!!

Happy Birthday to my Beautiful Sister... DD!!

I LOVE YOU!!

My and my sister... my best friend!

DD and my brother Craig... trust me... she didn't have to use pantyhose eggs for long! DD... isn't she cute!!
DD & I again (she's always had better hair than me)!

Awwwwwwwwwww

I think this was probably 35 years ago...

My bro Craig... DD... and me (shut up)!

Watch Out... She's Getting out of Houston... Again!

Don't worry my fellow gutterheads... my lack of blogging is only due to the fact that I've been flippin' crazy busy the last couple months. Not my norm... seriously... I'm like a zombie these days... well the days I'm not out of town or out on the town! But at least I've only gotten sick once... well twice if you want to count the self induced vomiting on the river trip.

So... I'm heading to Omaha for the weekend... we're celebrating my sister DD, my friend Julie and my 6 year old nice Lily's birthdays. Hopefully I'll come back with some good stories... if not I'll make some shit up for you! Either way... I have NO TRIPS planned for 3 whole weeks after this... my cats will be so happy... and maybe you will too!!

Anyhows... just wanted to let you all know (the whole 10 of you who read this) that I'm alive and well. I should be packing but instead I'm sitting here drinking a BIG glass of wine and letting you all know I'm OK... although I'm sure you figured that out by now!!

Check back in a couple days... I always spot good stuff in Nebraska!!

Yet another of life's mysteries solved....

Thank You... Kristy...

I just wanted to thank my friend Kristy for this lovely gift she picked up for me @ the nastiest truck stop from here to San Antonio. Oh the joy in her eyes when she told me she got me a present. I should have known it was something like this from the snickers I heard as she pulled it out of the bag. I have to say the packaging misrepresents the product a little though because these balls are definitely not rubber... I'm thinking heavy steel or something of that nature. I have temporarily put these fine danglers on my key chain... at least until I valet somewhere... and Kristy is with me! Then who knows... maybe I'll just hang them from my bumper!!

No Toobin'... Just Boozin' 2009!

It started out like any other river trip. I started loading up the truck with all our gear. Kristy took the J-shot bagging duty (which was a tad more difficult due to the new slippery lids). And Lu… well Lu took a shower (I will give her a break since she is currently only able to use one of her arms). Only difference is that this year I did some very last minute packing since I’d been sick all week and it took every once of energy to get Yuckie the Yukon loaded up. However, I have to say that I think I might have sweated out some of the illness. In addition, our original crew of 18-20 people had dwindled down to 10. Oh and many rumors that there was not enough water in the river to actually float (which is basically why ½ of the original crew pussied out… YES… I just called you slackers PUSSIES)!!

Interesting sites along the way… Buc-cee’s of course. And then the old woman in the maroon PT Cruiser that was going about 45 and swaying all over the road. Lu says “what’s wrong with this woman”… I replied “I don’t care just get the fuck away from her before she hits us”. I’m not shitting you this crazy ol’ hoot was everywhere on the road… and off the road. She literally cut off a semi truck. So of course being the good citizens that we are we called the police on her. That was a joy for Kristy since she had to tell them our location about 20 times… and then they ended up putting a tracker on her phone. Unfortunately we passed her up and left her in the dust so we don’t know what the outcome was. I hope that the police got to her before she ran anyone else off the road!

Five or so hours later we arrived at River Oaks Resort… apparently a little too late since no one was there (in the office that is). But we did find our keys waiting for us (sigh of relief). So the girls and I head over to the cabin… first ones there as usual… and start unloading. Others were soon to follow (Carlos, Kristy G. & Ryan). Chow time. And then I (regretfully) bring up the idea of playing 3 Man. Solely for the reason that Lu had a crazy bandana in her truck that would serve as the perfect 3 Man hat! Little did I know that Ryan, Carlos & I would be the only ones wearing said hat. Why does everyone gotta pick on the host. The fact that I had been sick all week didn’t help matters since I had been loading up on script & over-the-counter cold meds all day. I will go to the grave believing that was the cause of my demise. Because Trix here can drink a lot of booze! Granted… I tend to make a fool of myself when I do… but I’ve got to drink much more than I did to puke! But then again… once past a certain point I don’t really remember things… such as peeing behind a tree… and pulling my dress over Carlos’s head. But there are pictures to prove it… so obviously it happened. So just saying… maybe I filled up my little purple bottle more than twice (but I KNOW I only drank a ½ cup of my fabulous Coffee Martini… so suck it)! I guess things started going sour when I decided to just go puke by the cabin next door. But I was not allowed to do this since we would all have to smell it the next day when it heated up outside. So I was led to the porcelain god (or at least I’m assuming that’s what happened). Now why I decided to use the toilet AND the TUB as my puke basin I have no idea! All I know is that my friends took wonderful care of me… down to Kristy freezing a wet washcloth for my head since I’d forgotten my beloved hangover eye masks at home. And… the pukefest was also a no camera zone (too bad the tree peeing wasn’t)!

Les apparently rolled in around 3 am… I don’t remember… but he said he said Hi to me and I pretty much shunned him. After everyone was up and moving they moved me back to one of the bedrooms… trashcan by my side. They cooked breakfast, went to the store and started loading up whilst I slept. Eventually I dragged my ass up and ate some potatoes and drank the Sprite they brought me. I felt as though I might actually live at this point. So they coaxed me into getting ready and going to the river with them. I bought an extra 5 minutes so that I could shave my armpits… but then I forgot to do it. Oh well.

So after asking around a bit we ended up at Happy Hollow. We were told if we had any chance of tubing at all then that’s where we needed to go. Took a look-see and decided to just hang in the river that day and ask others how the tubing went. After our survey we would decide if we wanted to attempt tubing on Saturday when everyone was there. The first group of toobers that floated by said they only walked 35% of the time. So we thought… sweet… that’s not too bad. But I’m going to just assume that group was HIGH… because the floating to walking ratio got worse and worse and worse. And none of them even had the float standard of 2 people to 1 cooler! In fact some of them had NO coolers at all! How the hell do you float the river with NO BEER!!! Absolutely unacceptable! So anyway… to make a long story short… we asked every group if they would tube it again… and 100% of them said… NO! Decision made… we would not be floating this trip… but we would return to our Happy Hollow pond!

Once we got back Friday evening we were happy to see that Toobin’ & Boozin’ veteran Mike had arrived. So then we went into set up the pool mode. Yes… we brought our own pool along. And it was decided (well maybe it wasn’t a group decision… it might have just been MY decision… and that’s all that really matters, right?) that the pool would be new a staple in our river supplies. It took a while to fill up but was well worth it! However some people preferred just passing out in the hot tubs (Mike)!

Friday night was a little more tame than the first night as I took great steps to ensure that there was NO playing of the 3 Man again. Pretty sure my stomach couldn’t take another night of that. So instead we just sat around… talking… drinking… frolicking… OK so I’m just kidding about the frolicking part. Christine, Brad & Rosco joined the crew and we started playing this rather odd “Would You Rather” game. Let me just give you an example…. Would you rather… have 1 ball the size of a coconut… or 17 normal size balls? Yes I’m talking about men’s BALLS, sacks, beans, grapes, plums… whatever you want to call them. Odd now I can’t actually remember what the consensus was… I’m thinking the coconut… but I could be wrong. Brad struck his very sexy gay cowboy pose (ha)… and we also started to ponder things… like why is a blow job called a blow job when there’s not really any blowing involved. So… from here forth blow jobs shall now be referred to as Suck Jobs. Got it? Eventually we all petered out at some point during the wee hours of the morning.

Saturday AM… it sure felt good NOT to feel like I wanted to die in the morning. Les & I got busy with breakfast while everyone else organized our loot for another day at the river. Or maybe they just showered, dressed and sat around. Yeah I think it’s the later as I recall doing some organizing after breakfast. Anywho… guess I needed to make up for being worthless on Friday. So we head back down the Happy Hollow… happy to see that we were the first there to claim the best spots on the river. We had everything we needed… beer, vodka, j-shots, sandwiches, music, floats, chairs, loads of sunscreen and the best spot in the puddle. The boys did there jumps off the cliff again… as did many other people… whom made us nervous that they wouldn’t land in the right spot and hurt themselves… therefore ruining our day for a bit. But luckily everyone basically came out unscathed. It was a fun, nice, pleasant day with perfect weather. Rosco (the cutest dog EVER) was introduced to water… and swimming in it. He was a little freaked out at first… but once he figured it out… he was like a fish in water!

After 5 or 6 hours we headed back to camp where some of us enjoyed the pool… others the hot tubs… and others took naps. Then we all revived for dinner. Saturday was very mellow… but probably for the best since we all had long drives home on Sunday. I limited myself to 2 weak cocktails… and hit the sack early as I knew I was going to be driving the next day (I don’t do well driving long distances).

Sunday is always a bummer since we’ve gotta pack up and head out. Even though we didn’t get to tube this year we all still had a great time. I believe we gained some new regular Toobin’ & Boozers… Christine, Brad, Rosco, Kristy G. & Ryan. We learned that Carlos has a 10 inch penis. Granted this is yet to be verified… but why would he lie to us?? And at the end of it all we managed to eat 250 jell-o shots between 10 of us… I’d say that’s rather impressive. Oh… and I can’t forget my favorite J-shot moment… when Ryan was daring enough to try the “GoldENschlager” shot. This was a new flavor this year… really just trying to get rid of old booze that’s been sitting in my liquor cabinet for years. So… anywho… Ryan takes his time eating it… savoring every last morsel. And then about 3 minutes later he says… “I don’t really think I liked that very much”! HA!! But props to Ryan for at least trying! And the there's Lu... who tried to bring "Boss" back as a cool word... but failed miserably... but hey... thanks for trying!!

So until next year… please pray for rain (but not flooding) in Concan, Texas as we would all LOVE to be able to get back to the tubing next year!!

Now for some of the more memorable quotes of the weekend.

Me to Christine (regarding Rosco):
“Will he die for me if I bang him”?

Me to Ryan (in a faint & drunken slur):
“I would rather throw up on you than get with you”

Kristy to Everyone (in reference to screw TOP wine bottles):
“There’s nothing wrong with a screw cock”

Christine to Everyone (but no one in particular):
“I just choked on my spit”
Brad to Christine:
“Really? That’s usually my spit you’re choking on”

I'm Boycotting Walgreens

It's been a very very long time since I've had to get actual film developed. But since my fancy dancy Olympus underwater camera decided to die in the last year since I haven't used it I was forced to pick up some underwater disposable cameras before our river trip this year.

So... yesterday about noon I dropped my camera off at Walgreens for their 1 hour service (yeah right). She told me they wouldn't be ready til 2:05... I said no problem since I was about to go get my post river mani & pedi anyway, right? Well I went and ran a couple other errands and returned to Walgreens around 3:00. Film... not ready. At that time I was told that they had trouble getting it out of the plastic waterproof container so it wasn't ready yet... but to come back in an hour and they'd have it ready. So I return around 6:oo... surprise surprise... STILL not ready. However this time I was told that the machine was broken and they just got it fixed. They say come back in an hour. I tell them I don't feel good, I'm pissed and I'm not coming back up there again that night. I asked if they could call me when it's ready. They said oh it will definitely be ready tomorrow morning. Well obviously I'm not going to go up to Walgreens @ 6:30 in the morning... so I wait til after work. Guess what? STILL NOT FUCKING READY! They started running around with the excuses again... about how the machine was broken blah blah blah. I said well when I was here at 6 pm yesterday "that guy... right there" told me he had just FIXED the machine. So why did my pictures never get developed... since the machine was fixed and my film was ready?? Just so y'all know... I don't get pissed easy... but at this point I was fuming! So then they tell me to just wait and they will process it right after the roll that is going through now is done. I said I really don't want to wait here for a 1/2 hour... call me when it's ready. Finally about 40 minutes later they called... and I had to drive my ass up there for the 4th time in 2 days to pick them up. The only plus side to this is that I only had to pay $2.78 for single prints and a disc (apparently they decided to throw the prints in for free since I'd told them I only wanted a disc to begin with). But still... not really worth 4 visits to that stink hole!

After all this crap I remembered all the problems I'd had with them in the past... never ready on time... completely ruining film... which is why I started going to Eckerd's (which we don't have anymore)... but I totally forgot about that anyway.

Oh one more thing... I'm also boycotting regular film. Next year I'll be purchasing a new CHEAP digital waterproof camera for Toobin' & Boozin'! I'm just one of those who prefers instant gratification when taking pictures... and the delete button comes in handy too!!

Some Parents Have NO CLUE!

I'm sure there are many words that could describe this swimsuit... sexy, skimpy, skanky, slutty, hot, provocative, itty bitty, stripper style, etc... you know where I'm going with this. But most importantly I think everyone would agree that this swimsuit is made for an adult woman, correct?

So who in their right mind let's their 8 YEAR OLD wear one????

So where do you live?

Sometimes it's not so bad when you take a wrong turn... if you run into stuff like this! "Hey I thought you said you lived in Stoney Falls?"

Shirt or No Shirt?

You tell me.

Yearbook Yourself!

1952

1954 1960
1962
1964

1966

1974

1976

1982

1984

1986

1988

1992 (I'm pretty sure my hair did look like this in 92)

1998

I think it's pretty safe to say the only years I would of had a shot at getting laid were 1954, 1966 & 1974!

Funny Stuff... Now Go...

Yearbook Yourself!

Yale Street Sitings

I often spot interesting characters walking down Yale Street on my way to work. I don't know why... but this particular location seems to get the best ones. Luckily I no longer see them sleeping on the side of the road because they tore down the building where they used to reside on it's front stoop. But I did see I guy passed out right smack dab in the middle of the entrance to a gas station on Westheimer the other day. The cop pulled in slowly honking his horn at him to get up and the guy just waved him off. I'm sure he got him up eventually but I had already passed by then.

Anyway one of my favorites (not because I liked looking at it though) would be the little old man walking around with the ass riped completely out of his pants... and NO underwear!! Nothing like seeing a 70 year old mans little saggy white ass right smack in front of you. I actually saw him the other day again... still wearing the torn pants... but not as bad as the time before. So either he found some needle & thread or he got himself a new pair of butt torn out pants. Wonder if there is a specific purpose for this... maybe he has IBS or something and needs easy access if/when he needs to take a dump!

Another interesting guy I saw was the guy walking down the street in what appeared to be a vest made of rope. The thick, wheat colored rope. I can't imagine that is was too comfy... I would think it would be rather itchy considering he was shirtless underneath... but at least he got a nice breeze coming through. Not so sure it would qualify him to get into a "no shirt, no shoes, no service" establishment... unless of course it was in Montrose... then he could throw on a pair of chaps and be stylin'. But considering he didn't have shoes on either I guess it really wouldn't help after all.

Today I saw a man trying to attach a pillow to a bike where the seat should be. It was like a throw pillow from a couch or something and he was using some rope. Only problem is there wasn't actually a seat under the pillow... just the pole that the seat normally attaches to. I can't see this day ending very well for him.

Do Girls Fart?

This was a topic of conversation that came up over the weekend. Apparently some of my friends live in denial and swear they don't fart. I am not one of those women. I fully admit I fart. Do I like to fart around other people? Hell No! There's nothing more embarrassing. But... while I'm in the privacy of my own home... then who the hell cares?

Oddly enough I've dated guys in the past that seemed to be more embarrassed about it then me... but that only made me more uncomfortable about it. Granted I don't really want to guy to constantly fart around me... but if it happens it happens... we're only human. But this particular ex-boyfriend NEVER farted around me, nor did I ever walk into a bathroom that he had stunk up. That was during the entire 8 months we were together... and trust me... we spent A LOT of time together! It didn't take me long to figure out his game plan... and actually now that I think about it's probably the same reason he never liked to spend the night at my house. He lived in a two story condo. If we were downstairs he would go upstairs and if we were upstairs he would go downstairs. Anyway... I just thought it was really odd... and I was mortified that something might come out in front of him. As you can imagine I went home with a lot of upset stomachs. On the other hand I had another boyfriend who eventually farted in front of me... and what happened... I gave him a great big kiss on the lips! I still didn't want to fart in front of him... but at least I wasn't living in fear of the day that it happened. Side note... I also told him that would be the only time he'd be rewarded for it... so not to get any ideas!!

Anyway... now that I've gotten completely sidetracked. Back to the issue at hand. I am a woman... and yes I fart! I can't remember where this information was gathered from... but it was googled during our fart discussion... and whatever site said that the average human farts 14 times a day. But unless your name starts with L and ends with U... then I would say 14 is a little high. Regardless... everyone farts... even all you ladies that are living in denial!

So to prove this theory Myth Busters actually did a test of their own. This is classic!

Worst Week Ever!

This week has not started out on a good note for me. Well it actually started Saturday when I nearly broke my finger (don't ask me how... because I was under the influence and don't exactly remember)... but I'm pretty sure it's not actually broken... just really sore and swollen. However I'm going to let that one slide because I had a great time at the lake even with sustaining an injury.

But here's my Monday morning. I wake up to a very painful zit growing on the side of my nose. But not just the side but the very edge that starts your nostril. And it's not one of those easy pop & get rid of kind of zits either. It's one of the... dun dun dun.. UNDERGROUND ZITS! The worst kind ever. I can't pop the stupid thing... yet it's HUGE, red & painful... and there's nothing I can do about it.

Monday night... getting ready for bed. I wash my face and then move over to shut the cabinet that is above the toilet when all of the sudden this very large, very heavy glass & wrought iron candle holder (which probably weighs at least 10 lbs) comes barreling down on my arm. Luckily it was a good save as it remained in one piece (the last time it fell I came home to a million pieces of glass on the bathroom floor... at the time I thought the cats had knocked it off... but it appears now that it did it all on it's own)... my arm another story. Well it's still in one piece BUT it hurts like a mo-fo! I'm just waiting for the pretty bruise to appear from this one.

So I'm a little concerned about tonight's softball games. Granted I'm just a fan in the stands... but that makes no difference considering someone nearly got decapitated by the ceiling fan (KB) at the first game!

Wish me luck!

Doggie Lover Doll

When does it end? Apparently they now have a sex doll for DOGS! WTF! Something about a dog pleasuring himself on a plastic dog is VERY disturbing to me. However if you've got one of those over active dogs who likes to hump all of your guests legs then maybe you need this.

http://www.doggieloverdoll.com/releaseIN.htm

Pictures from Yahoo News - REUTERS/Alex Almeida (BRAZIL ANIMALS SOCIETY)